Unkle Gobstompa's Bed Timez Storyz

[Kalimata]

A note, this is the first time I've tried to write in a "dialect" I hope it isn't too difficult to read. Feel free to critique, that's why I put them here ;P

Unkle Gobstompa'z Bed Timez Storyz

Awwwright you runtz! Yous quiet down now, Unkle Gobstomppa is gonna tells yous a story. Eh! Yeah, you grotz can listen too I guess. You little ankle bitterz! No smacking or I’ll smack ya real good like!

This here’s a story from when I was a runt too. Quiet! Someone gimme a squig, ahh thanks Grotsmacka, dats a good lad. When I was just a runt, not even old enough to have a squig clamped to me chin, I was a Stormboy in Warboss Facesmasha’s Waaaaaggghhhh. We was smashing dem humies on some planet or something, I forgets where. That’s when we met Da Humies of da Damned!! Wha? No not da damned humies, but Da Humies of da Damned! Wooooohhhh. Did I scares ya? Dems were tha nastiest, smashiest, dakkaest humies eva. Them Space Wolvez, nuttin! Blood Angels? Pansies, wusses! Not even dem wacko Chaos Boyz from dat Eye of Spooky thingy da Eldar pansies is scared of are tough like dem Damned boyz. Gives me the willies just thinking bout dem.

We had just spent the day smashing some Imperial Guard pansies. Dems not very tough, more like a snot boy, not even a grot! We’d looted lotsa tankz and stuff. I’d added a really nice bunch of bitz to me kit, one of dem shiny Powah swords da humies give their bosses. Dat’s when Facesmasha calls over da squak box, sayin dere’s some of them marine boyz on da way. Well we was all happy like, ‘cause at least we could get some really shiney bitz from them, like a trophy hat or two! Well, we’s all shouty like, so I shouts at me boyz to shaddup and get in line and stuff. That’s when it happened! Wha? No! You wantz ta tell de story? Then shattup befores I feeds you to mah squig Gutta! Hey! You runtz keep quiet! Wahoo! Dat was a good kick Pukesniffa! Dat grot went a mile! Now settle down!

Where waz I, oh yeah, da marine boyz. So dem drop pods start comin down and stuff, but dey was not da usual pods, more like da old ones me gran-pappy talked about before we fed him to da Squiggoth. Yeah so dem’s dropping in and we starts to get all dakka like. I wuz laughin ‘cause I just saw one of dem rokkits fly by wit a grot caught on it, screamin like a snot! Ho ho, funny as zog. Anywayz da pods all hit da ground, and all dis smoke starts billowing around. We was all confuzed. Ole Facesmasha himself came stompin down da line, bellowing bout being xtra dakka an kicking a grot or two. He waz cool, what wit all hiz bitz an a big red gob. Did I eva tells you bout how he gotz it? Well it had to do wit squig beer, a Mad Doc, an a Killa Kan, bwahahaha. Ten more minutez an we’d ah had him in dat Kan! Awe well, we couldn’t find da jaw, so he gots a nice red gob! Huh, da story, what story? Ahh yeah, them Damned boyz.

So like dere we wuz, all shooty an stuff, firin rokkitz an bombz and stuff, wit ole Facesmasha hollerin for his tankz an Kans an stuff. I saw one of dem humie dreadnawhateverz, dem big shooty tings, but it was all weird an stuff. Painted wit flames and bonez an stuff. It was right flashy! So it comes stompin in and shooting and stuff. One of dem Kans comes stomping past us, squishing a grot or two, and starts hammerin on da humies dread thingy. I thoughtz it waz real funny like, all da sparks and dakka an stuff. Dat Kan waz smashin dat dred good until the dread actually turns around. Wahooo, you shouldz ave seen dat Kan go Boom! Jus like da time ole Gearstrippa dat krazy mekboy tried to powah hiz bike wit dat powa thingy from dat humie tank. Hah, thoughtz it was a battery, it waz a bomb. I waz pikkin ole Gearstrippa outta my lewt fo dayz! Ha! So anywayz, dat humie dread thingy goes all big dakka like. Me boyz was getting stomped real good, so I’z jumped in and tossed one ov dem tankbusta bombz I hads. Ha, shoulda seen it jump. Wa, no not da bomb, da dredthingy! Ole Facesmasha gotz all shouty like, so me an da boyz, we kicks our rokkits inta gear, and we jumps. Well, dey almost worked… You gitz member when da Weirdboy gots all shakey and sparky like, and den sploded? Yea, you seez hiz head go flyin? Well, dat waz me rokkit yeah. Shot me way over da battle, and inna some lake. Broke me record it did. Annyway.

Hey you gitz! Gimme one ov dem squiggs, da pink onez. Ahhh yea dat hitz de ole spot. Where waz I? Ah yeah, so as luck would ‘ave it, a Mekboy waz just finishing getting hisself gored by his cyboark right, so I kicks him aside, and jumpz on da boar. Neva eva press da red button right, neva. Well, I pushed da button, and da pig starts squeelin yeah. Hiz wheelz was a spinning, his arse farted out flamez like, and we was a rollin! Ha, I’ze neva seen a pig go so fast. Sos I an da cyboar comes flyin threw da bushes, rollin down a few grotz while we was at it, hah, dey was all flat like. So I finally getz back to da fightin yeah, just in time to see ole Facesmasha gets his ole red gob ripped off by dis humie boy. His eyes was a bulging! Anyway, da marine boy took his choppa and lopped of Facesmasha’s face.

Now I waz just a runt see, so I wazn’t all big an fighty likes I is now right. So I tries to run da humie over wit da pig. Well da grot rottin pig decides to die right then, so again I goes flyin, right inta da wall. When I wokez up, thems waz all gone. We didn’t kill a single one a dem Humies of da Damned! Not a piece of flash to grab. Ole Facesmasha was now Facegonna, all me boyz was smushed, an da Kanz waz flat. All da grotz waz a runnin, so’z I kicked dis boy offa hiz bike, an rode off to da baze. We hijacked a fightabomba, flew off to da hulk, and nevah went back. Dat waz da end of ole Facesmasha’s Waaaaaaagh. I neva saw dem Humies of da Damned till a long time lata.


Wha, no I ain’t gonna tellz you dat one! I gotz me plenty ov grotz to stomp, an me wartrukk needz more red paint! Go fetch me anotha ov dem panzie Eldarz, I needs to do da sidez of me truckk, an make sure it ain’t one ov dem screamy onez! Grotrottin runtz! Bah, now where didz I put me choppa…

[Steel Paladin]

This was very entertaining, and I think your depiction of the Ork psyche (dat shiny 'umie bugga's ded fighty but 'e's got dat shiny lootz I want so much fer me pole, so I's got ter be more fightier!) and use of their vernacular was spot on. Loved it.

[Kalimata]

Thanks Steel Paladin for giving the story a read and for your input. I was a little concerned that the use of the orky tongue would pull people out of the story, instead of having it add to the tale. I had tried using regular spelling and speech in an earlier draft, but it just didn't work.

Again, thanks for reading my story, and for giving your input.

Jaymz

[Didgeridoo101]

The was too funny you could actual picture and ork telling a story getting sidetracked for food or ranomd beatings..good stuff.

[Kalimata]

Thanks mate, glad you liked it

[TrentL]

Definitely well done, I could almost hear the ork voice actors from Dawn of War II telling that story

[GrimgorGrobspit]

Very very well done. You have some serious talent, wow.

[Kalimata]

Thank you so much GrimgorGrobspit, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story, and thanks for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm being strung along right now by an Eldar story that just keeps going and going, but my next will be another Orky piece. Probably not first person though.

[Hyperion]

This was a great little read. I hope to see some more bed timez storyz soon!